I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
