K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
