He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize