Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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