i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize