Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
