she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Randomize
