She is in my trunk
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
