Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
