I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
