I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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