Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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