In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
