I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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