My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
