Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize