What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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