Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
