Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
