the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
