I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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