If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
