The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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