I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
