Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
