sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
