Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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