This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
