dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize