Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize