If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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