i permit you to call me
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
