my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
