My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
