My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
