I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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