Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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