Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Randomize
