He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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