This is not my ceiling
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
