so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
