There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
