Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
