forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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