sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
barbara walters just said penis...
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Randomize
