Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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