the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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