My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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