Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
My brain says no but my pants say off.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
