If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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