were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
