apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
