I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Randomize
