You're my little dorito
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
