kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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