my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
There are leaves in my underwear?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
