dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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