You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
my shit smells like andre
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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