Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize