I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Randomize
